One Day at a Time

I am an alcoholic.

Man. It’s hard to say that.

It’s really hard.

I don’t think I am, but my actions betray my brain. How fucked up is that? “Hey, I’m drinking responsibly! I’m safe, at home, not driving. I have my beer here with me, not going anywhere.”

I say this to myself 9 deep into a 12 pack, for the 5th night in a row.

I am an alcoholic and I am trying to convince myself that I am not.

I am six days sober.

As I wrote this I paused. “See?” I said to myself. “You can manage your drinking if you really want to.”

I run it by a guy in AA and he laughs, “You think like an alcoholic!”

Boy, I sure do.

I’ve got all of the ingredients of an alcoholic. Resentment, self pity, denial, blame, guilt, loneliness, jealousy. I love the drink. I think about it constantly. Happy, sad, mad, glad. The drink is good. I love my beer. Home from work? Time for a beer! Kids gone to bed? Time for a beer! Shits hit the fan and I’m losing everything again? Time for a beer …or a few hundred.

Really though, I’m angry. I’m really fucking angry. I hate life. Even my three children, who are without a doubt the best thing I have going for me right now, do not bring happiness into my life. Only the drink seems to do that. If only for a moment, if only to stupefy me long enough to convince me that the swirling in my brain is indeed a form of happiness. My first wife didn’t make me happy. My fiancee didn’t make me happy. I didn’t make me happy. Nothing makes me happy, except the drink.

The drink convinced me I could be happy if I had enough.

I’m still not happy, and I miss it all incredibly.

It’s been six days.

Tomorrow, God willing, it will be seven.

I’m told I can make my own happiness. That I am responsible for it.

One day at a time. That’s all it takes.

Here’s to a sober today.

My name is Josh, and I am an alcoholic (Huh, what do you know… It was easier to say that time).

Joshua

Joshua admitted his life had become unmanageable on April 24, 2016. He regularly attends A.A. meetings and by the grace of God, is allowed to pour his heart and soul into co-parenting his three children.

  • Spike Zelenka

    Super proud of you, Man! Keep it up and remember, you’ve got a great network of people to talk to if you ever need it!

    • Josh

      Thanks Spike. You and the guys in the Dad Blogger group have been a rock through out the last year. The support, friendship… everything. Thank you.

  • Keep going, one day at a time. You can do it.

    • Josh

      Thanks Josh. One day at a time.

  • Anna Alley

    If there’s anything!!! You need anytime even just an ear to listen PLEASE call me text me you can do this I always knew you could the first steps already been taken