Today marks 4 months of sobriety. I’m excited for this achievement. There have been times in the last few weeks where I wanted to give up. I wanted to go back. By the grace of God I didn’t, but the thought of drowning out the days trials in an alcohol daze are pretty damn convincing.
I think back to my attitude over the past year, and how much has changed in such a short time. I was a wreck!
I destroyed my home, my family, the people who loved and trusted me… I hurt anyone who got close enough and I enjoyed it. I took solace in making people hurt as much as I did, and I showed no signs of stopping. I wanted you to hate me as much as I hated myself, and it was the only thing I was truly successful at.
I couldn’t even stand my children. “Seriously, you little fuckers. Go to bed so I can finish this beer.” Pure fucking insanity. I was broke, in a shitty apartment with no friends, and I was blaming everybody but the guy who was causing all the turmoil.
Thankfully, the one person who I didn’t manage to push me away reached out with a small suggestion. A suggestion that I embraced, even in the middle of a weekend bender. We attended an AA meeting that Sunday night and I picked up a white chip. I surrendered.
It’s changing my life. Four months ago I hated the man in the mirror. Today I kinda like him. I’m excited for tomorrow, and the people whom I will affect in a positive way. For I feel my selfish ego slipping. I feel my spirituality grow. The love and support I have found in the past 120 days is unlike nothing I have ever experienced, and for that I am truly grateful.