Sunday, yesterday, marked 14 days without an an alcoholic beverage.
It may as well have been two months.
I’m a lonely drinker. I drink most often when I feel alone. And according to my brain, I have all of the justification in the world to drink. My fiancee left. Most of my friends have been ostracized. I have a small apartment across town where I live alone, and with the exception of when the kids visit I am totally by myself.
It kinda sucks. It kinda really sucks.
A bed of my own making. The first month I was here I was drunk every night. Blaming everybody but myself for the situation I was in. “How could she kick me out? My friends are assholes for not helping me move. I wouldn’t have to move in the first place if my fiancee would have put some effort into fixing our relationship.”
Sounds kinda funny now that I think about it. Two weeks has really cleared up some of my thinking. This is nobody’s fault but mine. These are the consequences of my actions.
I’ve been attending AA meetings fairly regularly. I have some folks I attend with often. I think I spent the first week trying to convince them that I wasn’t really an alcoholic. The funny thing about telling another alcoholic that you aren’t an alcoholic is that they don’t buy your bullshit. In a way, it’s exactly what I needed. I need to be called out. Told I am wrong.
I am not told I am wrong often enough. I have a tendency to convince people I am right, even if it’s complete and utter horseshit.
I have not touched alcohol in two weeks. Despite what my brain tells me, I feel pretty good about that. When I am able to break away from the desperation to drink, I can take inventory of the good things that have been happening. My boss, unaware of my alcoholism, has noted a marked improvement of my job performance. My ex fiancee has noted that, “She sees the guy she used to know.” when we talk. I’m not feeling miserable every single day.
I’m not in the clear yet. I wrestle every day. The bright spots help me push on, but that desire to drink still lurks deep within. I can feel it, waiting. By the grace of God I am sober today. I have been sober for two weeks, and with a little effort and focus on the good stuff, I will be sober tomorrow.