On October 24th I reached 18 months of sobriety.
What a ride.
In that time I gained a relationship, lost a job, gained a job, lost my mind to depression, twice, lost a relationship and lost another home. Hell enough sober, but I can only imagine what this time would have been like if I was drinking.
I’d probably be dead.
Good things came and went. The best relationship I’ve ever had ended as quickly as it began; and while I’m sad and down about it, I’m not drinking away my time with my kids, or work, or even squandering my rent money over it.
Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today. While I’m not where I want to be financially, or romantically, I have been able to reclaim my job and a relationship with my kids and my folks. I can accept that. I can accept that my best friend is no longer a romantic interest in my life, despite the heartache. I can accept that I need to move on with finding a place of my own and getting my finances straight. I accept that my previous boundaries were poor and I found myself trampled, despite all the gains I made in sobriety and in trying to blend a family.
It’s water off a ducks back.
Yesterday is in the past, and I did my best. A year and a half ago that wouldn’t have been good enough. I wanted more. More money, more love, more sex, more booze. It brought nothing but misery, but today… today is a good day. I am grateful to be alive. Grateful for my kids, my job, my folks. I am grateful that I have been afforded a chance to try again. That I have the will by the grace of God to keep trying.
Two years ago I couldn’t even muster the will to get the battery in my truck fixed.
What a difference time makes.
Time has this funny way of keeping on keeping on. Sometimes we don’t jive with the keeping on part, and we find ourselves stuck. It can be easy to stay stuck too. One thing I’ve learned though is that if I keep moving, I’ll get to the next day, and the next. I’ll overcome the hurdles in my path. I don’t have to let them hold me back. My higher power has a plan, I don’t know quite what it is, but as long as I keep working I will see the results materialize. Some of them already have.
And what a wonderful feeling it is to know that after 14 years of being drunk and having no clue how to handle life, I have finally met it on it’s own terms.